I was in the process of developing a character on a Tuesday afternoon when the better half came in and enquired about what I was doing. When I described the character, she reminded me of someone who lived across the street from me while I was in high school. From there I went off on a tangent about a classmate who retired in the last year after having a successful career as a professional photographer. I started to whine that “I’ll never be as good as…”, before changing my tune to realize that I can be better than I am at the moment.
The person who lived across the street from us when I was in high school was a product of a broken home. His parents showered him with opportunities in an effort to win his love and/or respect. One of his opportunities was a state of the art camera and a darkroom. I had a pretty good idea on how to work a darkroom. My father showed me the routine when he had me with him on the job where he worked before we moved to southern Ohio. With just a little re-education, I became adept at using the darkroom.
In my junior year in high school, the fellow from across the street took me under his wing, allowing me to become his assistant. We were responsible for taking photos for the school yearbook and the school newspaper, a job which became mine during my senior year.
After high school, I developed different interests, leaving cameras and darkrooms behind me. Part of that had to do with a lack of easily obtainable money to buy the necessary equipment, and part of that had to do with a lack of space in the house where we lived to put in even a rudimentary darkroom. For the better part of forty years, my experience as a photographer hinged on having the funds to purchase film and developing services.
Back to the camera thing in a moment.
Something I wanted to do when I was a teenager was to be on the radio… to be a disc jockey. Dammit if the kid across the street went to the trouble of getting a permit from the FCC and a job playing disc jockey at a daytime radio station on Sundays. I ended up one-upping him by getting a part time job working nights at the other radio station in town – eventually making a short career (20 years off and on) out of playing on the radio.
But there was that old “I’ll never be as good as…” hanging around, haunting me. It wasn’t until I was twenty years past playing on the radio that I discovered that some of the people I thought were better at doing what we did than I were, in fact, not really that much better – and in one case, almost disasterously worse than me at my worst.
There was a pattern in all this. Whatever I resolved to do, I came to a conclusion that I could never be as good as….. and let that fear keep me from performing as well as I could, even though I was much better than I gave myself credit for being.
I have a cello sitting in the other room right now, unplayed, because I could never be as good as….
My resolve is to get back on that cello before Christmas. I was damn good for my age when I played in school. I have the certificates to prove it.
Back to the camera.
A few years back, the better half and I went to Colorado to attend her high school reunion. Naturally, the almost new camera came with us and I shot to my heart’s content. At one stop, I paused, took a photo, and was interrupted by a woman who happened to be a professional photographer. She complimented me on the shot, saying she would be hard pressed to do as well herself.
I guess I am as good or better than I thought I was.
It’s easy to put one’s self down. Most of us have done it to some degree or another at least once in our lives. Truth of the matter is, when we put ourselves down, we tend to keep ourselves from reaching our true potential.
Be Seeing You!
bdharrellauthor 